If you're one of the people who helped set a Ticketmaster record by buying a ticket for Charlie's Sheen Torpedo Of Truth Tour, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. I mean, what is wrong with you? Is your life that empty, that you would voluntarily serve up your hard-earned money to give any kind of validity to that asshole?
Chicago, you are the city of my birth, will forever be my home and my heritage, but I'm disgusted that you're a part of this bullshit, this legacy of no shame, this downward-spiral trend of lowest common denominator -- by facilitating a venue for this crap.
Oh, hold on a second -- I can hear some of you saying "well, you know, Charlie Sheen is donating proceeds from the tour to relief efforts in Japan. How about that?". I am sooooo sorry, you are absolutely right -- the headline does in fact say that. But let's look at the numbers a little bit. Sheen says that he is donating a dollar from each ticket to the relief efforts. And how much are the tickets? There are two prices -- $35.00 and $75.00 -- which means that Sheen is donating a whopping 2.85% and 1.3% respectively from each ticket.
I live in the Los Angeles area, so sadly I have come to expect this kind of vapid nonsense from the predominant culture of celebrity that lives and thrives here -- actors and athletes treated with a reverence as if they are the cure for cancer, while they act with the petulance and it'sallaboutmeness of a spoiled fucking child.
But to see how the Hitler's 1939 Speech to the Reichstag-like meltdown of Sheen has captured the front page attention of a national audience is just baffling to me.
Okay, now I'm going to get some shit about me comparing Hitler to Sheen. That's fine -- look, I am completely aware that Hitler is responsible for the deaths of millions, while Sheen appears to be only responsible for the death of tigers providing their blood for his consumption -- but the connection I am perhaps lamely attempting to make is not as much a condemnation of the speaker than of the listeners. If you are one of the million plus individuals who "follow" Sheen on Twitter, and if you plan on further acts of mindless following by purchasing and sporting a "Duh, Winning?" shirt, maybe see if they come in brown. I mean, as long as you're going to act like yet another died in the wool lapdog of a loud anti-semite, you might as well dress the part (it's not even so much that he insisted on calling out Chuck Lorre by his Hebrew name that irked me. I don't actually think he's racist -- I think it's just it's the very definition of hypocrite that Carlos Irwin Estevez would try and throw another guy under the bus for changing his name).
Get a fucking life. I know you have one, full of people who love you, and who you love in return. There is an entire world out there full of things that will genuinely bring joy and insight to your lives -- and you would fucking waste the continually dwindling moments of your life by going to the Failing Upward Donkey Show? Come on.
I don't want to steal a page from Rescue Me, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Name five firemen who died on 9/11?
Yeah, I'm fucking going there -- deal with it.
You can't, can you? If you can -- that's great. I'll admit it, I don't know a single name of the 343 firemen lost that day -- but I also am not buying a ticket to Sheen's Shitshow.
Another thing in relation to 9/11. Does no one remember Sheen's post-nation tragedy ramblings about the 9/11 conspiracy? No one remembers him trivializing the names of the fallen by postulating the most insane bullshit? Right, of course not. He was crazy then, but now it's genius? Again, fuck you.
And if you're one of the folks cupping a hand around the weak, meager flame of "the proceeds go to charity" nonsense, then you're full of shit. There's an international organization called The Red Cross, and they are taking donations for charity as well. And they have a tad more credibility than the adonis DNA, tiger-blood drinking, porn-stars enlisted to simultaneously fuck him and raise his children asshole that you are supporting.
Fuck, am I pissed today.